man on the moon.

By Challi

I was thinking today about music I liked from the '90s and then remembered about Savage Garden and how I liked their music but made the right choice not to admit it, because yeah, Savage Garden. So who are Savage Garden? They're not a poor sexual euphemism, no sir, they were like the biggest Australian band of the '90s if you don't count all those other bands that were bigger than them. They also performed one of my favourite songs when I was a kid: To The Moon and Back.

If you still are unaware of what the hell I'm talking about (understandable), here is the video to the song:



Infectious, huh? I'm surprised nobody realised the lead singer was gay back then, considering how fabulously styled his hair was in that clip.

but now, when I look back on it, It's actually a really stupid song, and still was even when I didn't look back on it. Let's have a look at the lyrics so you know what I mean.

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one

Ok, so basically this implies that she's got some kind of special talent for reading people's facial expressions, and what has she figured out from looking at their faces? They're all theorists!

They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come

So she's basically waiting for the kind of pilot that can operate a vehicle that will go into space. Kind of like an astronaut? Duh.

And she'll say to him
She's sayin

This bit's just kind of annoying, they changed from future tense to present tense awful quickly. Nyaiben.

and here's the chorus, which is actually the only bit worth analysing. So, sorry for the other pointless bits leading up to it.

I would fly up to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

First of all, if she's the one doing the flying, then why does she need a pilot? and why does it matter whether or not they have tickets when they're the ones flying the vehicle?

The chorus also claims that the ticket is for going to a world where they all belong. I guess they mean Earth, which is where they already were, because the moon isn't a world, it isn't even a freaking planet. Even if the moon was the "world" being referred to here, it still doesn't make sense, because they'll be going to the moon AND back. Back home, to Earth, where they were originally. Is Earth where they both belong? because I don't think they should waste so much money to go to the moon just to realise that they belong on Earth! Maybe they should've realised that before they decided to buy a return ticket.

Also, she's only willing to accept him as a pilot/astronaut for her vehicle to the moon if he will "be her baby". So, basically, if he pretends to be an infant for the flight! Geez, this woman's got weird fetishes. Anyway, if he is is the pilot, then that would be completely illegal and a horrendously bad idea, as he would be a baby and babies are way too young to be operating interspace vehicles, or vehicles of any sort for that matter, unless of course it's Britney Spears' baby. Oh zing!

So yeah, I'm not a nerd.

-C

what if stupid songwriters were one of us?

By Challi

There had been an old song from 1995 (Gosh, almost ancient) playing on the radio the other day (the other day being 4 weeks ago) that's been kind of bugging me a lot because it sticks in your head, and I admit to downloading it once before, but the lyrics are so bland and don't make sense at all. It wouldn't usually bother me but the guy who wrote the lyrics (Eric Bazilian, btw, not like you care) was clearly trying to be all philosophical but instead wrote a song that is incredibly ignorant and has demeaned us as humans.

The song I'm referring to is "One of us" by Joan Osborne. Ring a bell yet? It undeservedly won a Grammy for song of the year in 1996 probably just because it mentions God in it 20 times. The lyrics to the chorus ought to refresh your memory.

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Tryin' to make his way home?

Yeah that's right. That song.

Now if God was one of us, he'd be just that, one of us. He'd just be some stranger that we wouldn't look at twice because he's just some uninteresting guy we don't know. That's pretty much what the chorus is saying anyway, but let's take a look at some of the other lyrics.

If God had a name what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?

I'm sure his name would still be God, or possibly Godfrey, but I wouldn't call it to his face because I don't know who the fuck he is, because he'd just be some stranger on the bus.

If you were faced with Him in all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?

If he was just some slob like one of us, he would not be in "all his glory", because he wouldn't have a whole lot of glory anyway. The only question I'd need to ask him would be something like "Could you please move out of the way so I could get out of the bus?"

If God had a face what would it look like?
And would you want to see if, seeing meant
That you would have to believe in things like heaven
And in Jesus and the saints, and all the prophets?

but it wouldn't. He's supposed to be a human now in your little hypothetical, so I'd be able to see him anyway unless he is hiding behind something. I would not have to believe in any spiritual being in order for a normal human to be visible to me. Geez.

Back up to heaven all alone

"Back" up to heaven? If God was truly one of us, he would of been born on Earth. And yeah, "maybe" go back up to heaven when he dies.

No, nobody calling on the phone
No, just tryin' to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

What the fuck? We slobs don't get phone calls from the freaking Pope! and if we did, we wouldn't exactly be on his speed dial. If God was just some slob like one of us, he wouldn't get calls from the Pope. I mean c'mon, what would make him so special? I doubt God even gets phone calls from the Pope in reality. What a stupid thing to say.

So the bottom line is this: If God was one of us, nobody who didn't know who he is would give a shit who he is. Not even the Pope. It's like the guy who wrote the song is completely out of touch of how a normal human is like and thinks that we're all invisible and are friends with the Pope. We really aren't.

and that's the bottom line because Challi said so.
-C